Being your own jailor - the shackles of self hate

  As much as i want to keep up the momentum of long prose-y blogs, i fear that today might be a bump in the road of that dream. I am feeling quite low and despondant today. This might have something to do with the fact i've only seen the inside of my bedroom walls since i returned from work at 12 midday.

  It's my own fault really - my room has become a haven from everyone, and a place of isolation and loneliness. Eating Disorders tend to enmesh you in your own little world, as i'm sure you're aware. Most people will, as a result, find that they are constantly removing themselves from the real world.

  The real world is my family and friends. Even as i write this, i have a lump in my throat. I haven't seen my parents since 12.30 and i only spent enough time with my sister to bolt down my food before my ED curled it's hand around mine and yanked me away. I haven't seen my friends in ages either. I think i will make a big effort in the dawn of this new week, to get in touch with friends and meet up. Also i will try to make sure that my family feel apprieciated in some way.

Well...that moment was actually somewhat unexpected. I wasn't planning on saying all that. I'm going to crack on with today's events before i fall asleep on the keyboard.

Oh, Buck-it!
  Somewhere in the distant recesses of my mind the 5am alarm sounded, i turned it off. As the fuzz of my room began to focus, i wiped my eyes, got up and glanced at the clock - 5.30am. I nipped to the bathroom and got on the scales - i was another lb down! i had reached my second goal of 122lbs! But along with the initial buzz came the cold dread that i wouldn't be able to sustain the loss if i wasn't good.

  I got ready for the breakfast shift at work and, due to the 'rents wanting a lie-in, i walked to work. The frost was still in the air so it was FREEZING. To me anyways... I had to double wrap my cardigan over me and walk fast. I HATE the cold, which is going to make this winter awful given my weight loss and general lowering of temperatures.

  I got in the warm, and made sure i stayed vitually glued to the toaster and its heat. As i was pushing the toast through the toaster and polishing silverware i remembered something that made me cringe: I have forgotten to empty my bin (aka. sick bucket) before leaving home. It was the most important thing i had to do that morning and i had forgotten. I cringed because i knew mum would have already found it and have ad to empty it. That thought made me really ashamed. Fuck.

  Here I go again, On my own
  After i finished work at 12 midday, i picked up my sister's lunch for her. I bought more bad things for myself - yes, i know. I give you full permission to eye roll. When i went into the shop, i spent a good 5 minutes looking at the back of yoghurt cartons to see if there were any low cal ones that were vegetarian. I had no luck and gave up. I bought more munchie cake bites, a large to-share bag of minstrels and a bag of salted cashews. I met my parents and we went home.

  Once home, i burrowed away to the seclusion of my room. My bucket had been emptied. I'm telling you now - the sooner i get back to work the better. All this free time is making me more reclusive and having bigger binge/ purges rather than restricting. It's because i have nothing else to do. It's no excuse i know. I came downstairs briefly, although bregrudgingly to sort out some necessary paperwork. I was in a snappy temper then, and that was mostly due to the timing of the request to go downstairs.

  Cashew see i'm busy?
  I had been in the middle of a binge, you see. I can't even remember what triggered this binge - it all sort of bleeds into one another like a rained on watercolour. I ate the cashews and then some of the munchie bites. i was having a hard, but not impossible time of purging them when my mum asked if i come downstairs and do the paperwork. Well, you can imagine how i felt - pissed off, even though it was a reasonable request. But the reply, 'NO! Go away, i'm purging!' doesn't go down too well. Hence the reason i didn't go with that option, i simply went downstairs, hoping that if i complied i'd get away quicker.

  It was quick and i was safely installed in my room again. A short while later my parents went out for a walk. I slunk downstairs and made a cheese sandwich with crisps, followed by an ice cream, and chocolate bar, and the last of the falafels. Now you can all join in for the chorus - 'and then i purged it'. I weighed myself again and made sure i weighed the same as the morning.

  By the time evening came, i had been in my room watching dvds for hours. I feel awful for being so lazy and selfish today. My parents only came back breifly before going out again, which left me to suffer dinner with my sister. It's the dinner part that gets me, not my sister. I just feel sorry for her that her only dinner partner comes down to cook the meal then rushes off upstairs without saying a word. We had the whole works and, as i just stated, i then rushed off upstairs, munched my way through half of the pack of minstrels i bought and...well, you can sing the chorus yourself.

  It may be a fleck of gold in a mountain of rubble, but i feel slightly good about the fact that i managed to stop eating the packet of minstrels. I think it was due to the fear that i might actually put on weight.

  FOOD DIARY

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  PRE LUNCH PURGE 1#:
  A Bag of Salted Cashews
  A Box of Munchie Cake Bites

  LUNCH / PURGE #2:
  A Cheese Sandwich on Thick White Bread
  A Packet of Salted Crisps
  A Twirl Bar
  1 Falafel Bite
  1 Magnum Gold Ice Cream

  DINNER / PURGE #3:
  Quorn Gruyere Escalope
  Mashed Potato
  Peas
  Vegetable Gravy
  1/2 To-Share Bag of Minstrels

  TOTAL: Unknown

  So now i'm tired, grumpy and repentant. Hopefully tomorrow will be a happier day.

  ...x Poppy x...

  Ps. To Bonnie: Glad you like the layout. I figured the snail was an accurate representation of how fast my weight loss feels to me! Good to hear you have a plan - What sort is it? What's involved? Keep me posted :)

Our New Home: Unpacking the Day

  ...We Have Landed!

  I hope you all like the new blog. I just think it looks so much tidier and more attractive. There is also a wider space for the blog writing so you aren't having to read a word per line! As time goes on i will add to this, and if there is anything you particularly want to see on here, let me know because it will go to the top of my list :)

 I am struggling to find some point to start with. It has neither been a day filled with obstacles nor has it been plain sailing, it has not been a good day yet it hasn't been a horrific day (where i gain and/or eat without purging). It has been a pretty mediochre day, so prepare for a load of nothing much. I'm afraid i can't say that today is the day when i got my eating back under control again. When i do, be ready for streamers, banners, large fonts - the whole caboodle!

  'Hi Ho, off to work i go':
 The night before,i had dutifully set my alarm for 5am so i had time to get ready and then read for 30 minutes or so. Do you think i could get up? No! I was so tired and in the end i set my alarm back and back until i had to roll onto my feet at 6.20am. I felt quite dizzy for a second, but, as usual, it passed as soon as i stood still. As the numbers on the scales flashed up, i did a silent whoop of joy. I had got to 123lbs! Another step acheived! In my journal i started in February, i made my second goal weight 122lbs, so i am keen to reach it.

  At work, i actually felt no attraction towards the food and found it easy to steer away from it. This might be something to do with the fact that i have stationed myself out the back, manning teas and coffees rather than watch over the buffett and people digging in.

  There is a potential reason for this new outlook on the food though. Last weekend i had a sudden compulsion to take some of the mini pots of condiments home with me. I had the feeling that if i took them and suddenly felt like apricot jam then it would be there and i wouldn't panic. If i had them, everything would be ok. Well, this weekend it was the mini boxes of cereals. These are fantastic because they are individually packaged. I took two different ones (on which i later wrote the portion calories). I can't explain it, but it's getting a bit scary, because whats next? shoplifting? crime just to get my kicks feels like a real new low.

  Time moved slowly for the morning, but i enjoyed the hunger pangs because i was too busy to do anything about them. At 11.30am, finished my shift and things shifted.

 Making work for idle:
 Once i was off work, i checked in on my sister who has been so busy in her job that she hasn't had time to get lunch. I said i'd go and get her lunch and set off down the road. It seems hypocritical that i am worried about her not eating and will buy her food, but i won't aplogise for it. I can't do much about myself for the moment, but i can at least use my knowledge of eating to aid others. I know how easy it is to slip into routines and patterns that lead to an eating disorder. As a result, i find i'm super heightened to signs and interpreting things.

  At the supermarket i pick up a meal deal for my sister...and the following: a bottle of pepsi max, terrys chocolate orange and munchies mini cake bites. I know, i know - i shouldn't. But i have a hording instinct, like the country is suddenly going to go into a munchie shortage overnight and i won't be able to eat what i want. I feel if i have the food then i will lose the desire to buy and eat them. It may not work, but it doesn't stop me acting like a squirrel when i get to the confectionary aisle!

  I drop the lunch off for my sister then pick up a few extra items before returning home. These items were more shit - a bar of Frys orange creme and a large bar of Green and Blacks caramel. Back home, i hide the food and change. I slip into a dress - it has become lose since i last wore it and i can move around in it. It isn't long before i decide i'm too cold in the dress and change into a hoodie that wears me like a potato sack. My parents are out and i know they are going to be out for a little while longer.

  I attempted to withstand temptation and divert my hunger onto a more acceptable low fat yoghurt. I take it carefully up to my room and actually look forward to taking my time with it. Then i read the ingredients: ...inverted whatchamacallit, colourings, aspartame, cherry bits, GELATINE,... Shit! I couldn't have it! My safety net of food had been whipped from under me! I go downstairs and check my other yoghurts - all have gelatine. I can't believe it, i had been eating those without realising. I cannot feel guilty because i can't do anything about it now, but its another thing off my list.

  Left with nothing, i binge. Despite the fact it started off as a simple lunch and purge, it built into the largest purge of my day. All my foods i had bought, sans the chocolate orange, was hoovered up by my irrational need and i purged it all. I ate the bread, tortilla and falafels in my room and it was at this fatal point when my parents returned and asked that i help with some housework. I didn't panic because i wasn't busting with food so the feeling of wanting to purge was manageable until i was alone again. The job took 10 minutes at most and placated them. Once that was done, they went back out for the afternoon and i binged / purged the rest as well.

  In the balance:
  My day is a constant exercise of getting on and off the scales. In the morning i weighed myself 4 times, to allow for an average weight and to check accuracy. After the binge i jumped on the scales again. They read lower than the morning and i was so happy but also worried that the result was faulty. Altogether i weighed myself 6 times. After satisfying myself for the time being, i got off the scales and settled down to an afternoon of reading and the internet. Surprisingly, i have not ended up with a food fascination today!

  My sister came home around 4pm. Things became increasingly tense when we were asked by our mum to take our pet to be groomed at the last minute. My sister hadn't been home long, we overcame the difficulty of money by saying we'd have to stop in town, then the carrier was soaked and we couldn't find a substitute, then we left the envelopes at home to put the money in. Things got really horrible. But on the way back in the car, my sister apologised and said things just got really tense. She said she fancied chocolate, did i think we should get any. I said i didn't mind. I mean, if i get some i horde it and don't eat it with people, if i don't then it will save me another b/p. In the end, she said she was trying to be good and we drove past the places. I bet to myself that she'd change her mind later on.

  Faking Friends:
  As the afternoon turned to the evening, my parents returned. I haven't seen them properly since lunch today. I didn't come out of my room really and i feel really guilty for that. Before i knew where the time was going, it was 7pm. My parents left for a party and my sister and i were left in the house. She suggested tea and i realise i don't have the will to start up another argument by refusing. If i say no, she gets lonely and eats tea alone, and kicks up an almighty strop. So i say sure. Here comes the excuse - i say i will have tea but i have to get back online for 8pm to speak with my friend abroad because of time difference. Talk about inventive! Eating disorders certainly get you using your imagination!

  That gave me 20 minutes to cook the food and eat it. It was long enough to eat with the proper decorum, but without the food having time to settle. I had pasta, as did my sister and we ate it together. I felt awful, because as much as i wanted to sit and enjoy the evening with her, i had a bigger need to go to my room and purge. This need formed into purge #2. On top of my tea, i ate the last of my bought foods - the chocolate orange. Thus my horded foods go back down to 0, unless you count the cereal.

  On the scale, off the scale. I decide not to drink anything else this evening/night so as not to jeapordise my chances of getting lower. I am feeling quite horribly guilty now because for the rest of the afternoon i left my sister on her own downstairs. It's not that we aren't used to having alone time, but i have flaked out on our sister nights so often recently. It's usually because they involve large amounts of food and not being able to escape to purge. I will have to find a way to make it up before she goes...

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE 1#
  1/2 Tortilla
  2 Hunks of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Fry's Orange Creme Bar
  1 box of Munchies Cake Bites (15 Squares)
  1 Large Green and Blacks Caramel Bar
  1 Tropical Solero Ice Cream
  2 Falafel Bites

  TEA / PURGE 2#:
  1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellini
  Mixed Salad
  1 Hunk of Bread with Butter
  1 Terrys Chocolate Orange

  Snacks:
  Nothing

  TOTALS: Unknown

  Another day done and dusted. Not long before i go back to full time work, then i'll be able to restrict easier and get a hold of this monster thats raging in me.

  Please use this new blog as an opportunity to introduce yourself, and make your opinions know, albeit not overtly rude ones.

  Welcome to all,

  X Poppy X

 [By the way, i want to thank whatever god in human form created blog automatic saver, because my computer conked out on me halfway through this blog and i could have lost it all if it wasn't for that!]

Let me count the ways i hate thee, my own body - 1.2..3...4....5...

I was so set out with good intentions to come on here early this evening and go to bed before 10pm. But, alas, instead i will survive the morning shift at the restaurant with itchy eyes.

Today's cameo in my food fascinations (that i seem unable to control), is the cupcake. I don't think all this free time is doing me much good - too much time on the web. With google popping up every few seconds, it only takes a few taps to access hundreds of pictures of your most forbidden and lusted after foods. I decided to spare you an actual picture of a cupcake as sometimes the pictures trigger. I know they do me.

This afternoon has been awash with image after image of cupcakes and recipies. I even got it into my head to start cataloging the flavours, and coming up with my own! I suddenly got it into my head that if i had the money i would be good at cupcakes and do unusual flavours. I craved them so badly, and drooled over the buttercream, sprinkles, cookies and sponge. Oh dear, i'd better not star thinking about it now!

When thinking about today in terms of food, it has been no more or less bulimic than yesterday. In my eyes, every day i eat is bad. I looked back on all my old blogs, and can't believe that i was actually more controlled then, with my model low calorie intake, than i am now. And yet, here i am lower in weight than i was then. I miss that control and conviction and i wish i could get back on the straight and narrow and get it back. Somehow it feels a far way off...



Here we go_____

 I woke up at 6am, and, rather than returning to sleep, quickly snuck to the bathroom to weigh myself before everyone got up. In the haze of the pre-alart stages, i was less than extatic but not depressed at the numbers. I officially weighed the 124lbs i had wanted to return to. I snuck back to bed and dosed off. 7am arrived and I lolled across my bed for 10 minutes before having to succumb to the fact that i acutally had to get up. I took my pulse, which was at a lowly 43bpm and gritted my teeth, hoping the doctor didn't see fit to check it herself. I got in the shower and ran my hands across my belly and over my hip bones. I have a new found love for them, but my belly is still huge. No matter how much i look at my thighs, they look no different than when i was 200lbs. They really look the same to me.

  I pulled on my jeans, a couple of vest tops and a hoodie before leaving. I hated the journey up to the surgery, even though it was only 5 minutes. I felt so uncomfortable and agitated, i just wanted to get out of the car. Mum asked if both her and my stepdad could come in and actually see the doctor with me. I made a face and she said, well can we come into the waiting room, or do you want us to wait in the car? Clearly, if she had had her way, she would have come to see the doctor and would have said things too. I scrunched up my face and said sure, she could sit in the waiting room, whatever.

  When we got there, i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and marched ahead. I felt like i was being escorted and it made me waspish. We sat down in the absolutely empty waiting area and i didn't even try to make conversation with my mum. Luckily she didn't either. My doctor is someone who my family have know, albeit not closely, for years. That is the problem with a small town, everyone knows everyone. I like her as a doctor though, and don't let this impinge on anything that i might have to talk to her about in a doctor/patient manner.

  After (quite a bit) of stammering and unfinished sentances, i told her that i was there under the suggestion of others and that, although i'm aware i have an eating disorder, i was not sure i wanted to be there. She asked me general questions about mood and if i was binging and purging. She knew that i already had a diagnosis, and that i knew what i was talking about so there was no need to delve deeper at that time.

  Then she asked me if i was angry at my parents for bringing me. I couldn't help but feel she'd hit the nail on the head. I said that, although i understand where they are coming from, i am angry. She said they only cared and were worried for me. I think she was told stuff by my mum the other day, when she went to the surgery - that's how she knew. Luckily, she didn't do many checks although, as predicted, she did ask to do my weight and height to check bmi. I could have told her that without the need to do scales again (and probably more accurately given i was weighted with my clothes on). I had to shut my eyes when she weighed me because, although i wanted to look to see what she would have seen, i knew that i was lighter than that and i felt fat. I felt like saying 'hey! i know that what scale is telling makes it seem like i'm fat, but i'm really lighter. see - i'll take all this off and show you'. As if a few lbs are suddenly going to make me look so much slimmer to her.

  Anyway, she said she'd refer me to the specialist eating disorder intervention team. I have been with two counties intervention teams, and so i know my way up the ladder of referal now. I will have to meet with a CPN and a probably a social worker to have an assessment, then it's usually followed by 6 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (in short, couselling except you are supposed to be proactive about it). Hopefully they will take their time about contacting me and give me a few extra weeks, then i can lost a bit more. Even though the doctor hadn't said how long it would take for contact to be made, i told my mum it may take a few weeks. She was disappointed.

  When we got home, she told me that in the meantime i should make changes towards a healthier lifestyle. I ignored her, shrugged and did whatever else i could do to squirm out of the situation. It was only 8am by the time we got back and i was already hungry. I think my body was preparing for a lunch binge/purge, as it hasn't been used to earlier starts. I hate getting up early because your body gets hungry earlier. My parents decided to go food shopping and asked me to go with them. So i said i would and i decided to take a yoghurt to eat in the car with me. When they asked why i didn't eat it in the few minutes before we left, i said it was because i didn't want to rush it. This was true - i didn't want to bolt it down, at least with the car hourney, i knew i had at least 20-25 minutes of time. I timed myself, carefully licking the spoon and made sure i took no less than 10 minutes to eat the yoghurt.

  At the supermarket, i found it impossible to slip away from my parents and get any binge food. It's not that i had an exact binge planned, but i like to have food there as a backup otherwise i get nervous. I got way too enthusiastic over too many things in the supermarket. There are more things, which when i point them out, my parents say 'have it' than before. It's probably a worry thing, i know. Everytime i tried to find an excuse to look at the vegetarian food, or go and pay for items that i argued were definitely mine to pay for, they found reasons and wiped the arguments away. I managed to get some jelly beans though and some yoghurts. There were some other bits too but they aren't important now.

  On the way home, they produced a couple of large chocolate bars they had bought and kept offering me pieces. I gave in and ate 4!! After the first, you can reason off with restricting, but after 4 i knew i'd have to purge if i could hold them in my stomach.

  Once we were back at home with the shopping packed away, my parents said they were going to go for a run. Relief! My moment was here - i would be free to eat and purge! As soon as they left, i was at the freezer, dragging out those 3 ice creams i had stashed away yesterday. Then a scone followed and pretzels and a rice pudding and falafels. I don't think there was anything else - it's a bit of a haze so i can't quite remember. I purged it all.

  By the time they got back i was ready for round two as i knew they wouldn't let me get away without having lunch. Lunch was buffet of cheese, bread, pickles, crisps and tortilla followed by another yoghurt. I ate like a pig and had loads. Some fate must have been on my side, because afterwards they both had to go out for 10 minutes leaving me alone in the house. Cue cake slice, marzipan and purge #2.

  When they returned, i was doing to house cleaning then snuck off to my room for the afternoon to drool over cupcakes! By the time tea came around, i guess i was in blinkered bulimia vision and just 'enjoying' (i use this in want of a better word for the 'binge high' you get before binges) the ride. I was hungry, but didn't want to wait for the rest of the family to sit down an eat. Largely because i knew the parents would proabaly keep talking to me and try to find a reason to keep me downstairs. If i was going to have tea, i would HAVE to be able to purge afterwards. I told my family i wanted to eat now, and then mooched around the kitchen until my mum had to nip out to pick up some milk or someting from the shops.

  As soon as she had closed the door, i put the pasta in to boil. By the time she was back, i had stuffed (and i mean stuffed) down the pasta, 2 hunks of bread and salad. As soon as the rest of the family came into the kitchen and i had washed up, i made a swift exit out and up to my bedroom to do purge #3.

  I haven't left my room since then, other than to say night and do bathroon stuff. I know it't rough and disgusting and out of control. I'm hoping i can get back in control of it though and be stricter with myself, but i won't hold my breath...unless i want to look like a smurf.

  So, here's a sort-of breakdown for you:

  FOOD DIARY:
 
  BREAKFAST:
  1 low fat rhubarb yoghurt 98kcal

  PURGE#1:
  4 Pieces of Lindt Chocolate
  1 Magnum Almond
  2 Magum Gold
  1 Homemade Cheese Scone
  1 Bowl of Pretzels
  3 Falafel Pieces

  LUNCH / PURGE #2:
  4 Hunks of Crusty Loaf w. Butter
  Cheese Slices
  Pickle, Mayonnaise
  Handful of Pretzels
  5 Olives
  1 low fat orange yoghurt
  1/8 Tortilla
  1 Lemon Cake Slice
  1/4 Block Marzipan

  TEA / PURGE #3:
  1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellioni
  2 Hunks of Bread with Butter
  Salad with Tomatoes and Olives

  Y.U.C.K.
  In all truth, i think just having breakfast sets me off. If i don't give in early in the day, then i'm more likely to settle into my stride and have a better day. However, if i eat early on, i get a 'fuck it' approach to eating then and think that if i'm going to eat, i might as well do it large and then purge later.

  Must go now, as i have only 4 hours of sleep before i need to be up for work to serve greasy bacon to those who don't care where it sits on their thighs (lucky!),

  x Poppy x

My descent into madness

I'm feeling a bit barmy tonight. I have been quelling the need to binge for the last few hours by watching slimming programmes on my computer. I must admit i do get twinges of nostalgia everytime i feel the hunger pangs return. But for the last few minutes i have been smelling imaginary custard! Everyone in this house is in bed, and yet i'm smelling warm gloopy sweet custard! What madness is this?

To make things worse, whenever i feel like binging, i always google all my favourite foods and now i have a stash of them on my computer. It was at this time that they reappeared from their hidden file in the dusty corner of my hard drive. I try not to visit it too often, even though i have a running gallery of that file on my desktop! (Don't ask!)

Anyways, today's treat on show is marzipan. For some unfathomable reason, i have become a raving marzi-fan over the last few days! Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but suddenly i'm looking on sites and at recipies. Alas, this would be the best way to break into my tale of what has been going on in my life today... *fade out back to 9.30am today*

I woke up surprisingly early, given the fact i didn't get to sleep until 3.30am. This was largely because i was re-designing and re-blogging my new blog page, but more about that later on. When i woke up, i wobbled out of bed and fetched the scales. The weigh in this morning was disappointing despite the fact i weighed under 9st. It was disappointing because i had been hoping to push through the barrier and get back to the 124lb mark.

I got frustrated because i had been, relatively, good yesterday and hadn't purged my soup (at my mother's request). So to see that my body had not rewarded me for this, made me think : 'Well, fuck you then!'. So i decided the best way to get a bit lower and flush calories and water, etc, was to b/p. I had intended not to do it but i wanted to get to that low point.

It was already later in the day, as i stayed around in my room and finished the blog at around 11.30am. So, breakfast (cum lunch) was less 'fast' more 'break' as i broke any grains of will power i had built up since the tea last night. I binged / purged on any chocolate bars i had in my secret box, the ice creams in the fridge, bowl of pretzels and a large cheese sandwich. I went on the make homemade cheese scones, of which i ate 2 with lots of butter. I became pananoid that i wouldn't be able to get it all out, and spent a while purging as much as i could.

It's surprising how many habits slip under yo nose without you noticing, and before you see it coming, it feels like it's been there forever. Today when i was purging, every time food came up i would try to judge what it was and how much it was. I would keep a tally of how much of each food had been got rid of and what was still to come. It keeps me safe. I should have realised this habit from years ago when i measured out my vomit in the ice cream tub, from which i had just eaten the ice cream.

So after all the back and forth, measuring, bending, cleaning, weighing, i watched a dvd. Before i knew it time had moved on and it was 3pm. I became anxious to get into town to replace the ice creams i had purged. My sister was supposed to be home around 4.30 and the parents around 5, so i had to hurry. I walked quickly in, feeling a little weak today.

Firstly, i checked out my bank balance which was woefully overdrawn due to all my binge food buying. Then i visited the pharmacy to pick up some more caffiene pills and laxitives. I find i get really nervous now if i don't have some laxitives to hand, even if i'm not going to use them. The last thing i want to find is that i've had a big binge, haven't managed to get back to the original weight and have no laxitives! I would feel really panicky then...

I then go to the supermarket and try to stay as controlled as possible amongst the aisles and aisles of food. In the end i keep my cool and end up getting the following: 2 packs of ice creams to replace those purged, 6 pack of no sugar soft drink, a low fat soup to save me getting anxious about tea, milk because i used a bit when cooking the scones.

On the way home, i realise my sister might already be there, and actually pray to any god that might be listening to make her stay at work until i put the ice creams away. Well, it seems as though the gods must be watching a game or something because her car was parked outside the house when i got home. She saw the ice creams, and when she got one out, she wanted to know where the others were. I had tried to hide them in my section (because i had bought a few surplus and was trying to keep it for another binge). I have now stashed them inside old vegetarian boxes which no one will look in. How desperate am i?

She said she hadn't eaten all day while digging into a rice yoghurt. I get concerned. What a hypocrite i am! She asks me to make her a cheese sandwich, because no one does them like me. Of course no one makes a sandwich like a bulimic-anorexic foodie because we vitually salivate and make love to each ingredient as we make the meal!

Mum comes home and i hide in my room again, popping briefly down for heloos. I felt safe in my plans for the evening. I knew that mum and my sister were going exercising in the evening so while they were out, i could feign a meal and miss out on any weight that might creep it's way up from this morning. There was slight spanner in the works when my mum said my stepdad would be home sometime after they'd left, but that just meant i'd have to be quick.

When they went, i sprinkled a few wet pieces of pasta in the sink, left bits of cheese on the side, hid other parts of food and moved plates around to make it look like i had eaten and cleaned up after myself. I did it just in time, as my stepdad arrived just as i was leaving the kitchen. I stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening, and luckily the smell of dinner did not waft up here tonight. Sometimes it's awful....

By the way, i'm just going to add in a slightly resentful note here. You may notice i am hardly talking about me exercising, it's all about others going out and doing it. This is largely because my mum moans and/or scowls at me for doing it. I have been vitually under a veto rule for exercise for the last couple of weeks and it's bugging me. I'm not underweight, and i quite fancy a quick trip to the gym as i have the time. I will make me feel revitalised and better. In fact, i'm probably feeling lethargic because of the fact i'm NOT doing any! However, most people at the leisure centre know my mum and would tell her if i went. That's why i won't be able to do spinning again for a while. It sucks! I think i'm just going to have to ignore them and go to the gym, because i hate not doing anything, i feel shit and unhappy and i want to exercise!

Ranting over! Gawd - a confessional and a rant in one day, i bet your wishing this blog would wrap up and shut up right now! Well, you almost have your wish.

Just to finish up with the food diary for the day. Please forgive the lack of calories next to the foods, when i binge i don't tend to look at the content of anything given that it's usually already in the cake hole before the wrappers hit the bottom of the bin:


FOOD DIARY:

BRUNCH BINGE/PURGE:

3 Reese's Cups
Caramac
1 Magnum Gold
2 Magnum Almond
1 Ritter Sport Marzipan
1 424g block of Marzipan
5 strawberries
1 bowl of pretzels
1 extra thick cheese sandwich
...with lettuce

LUNCH:
Nothing

TEA:
Nothing

SNACKS:
Nothing

DRINKS:
2pt of squash
1 can of diet coke

TOTALS: Unknown.

So that's the embarassing truth of it all. I have had a headache since the purge which i presume is because of not enough liquids. I had a can of coke when i got home, but i'm not going to drink anymore until tomorrow morning's weigh in.

Tomorrow is the dreaded day for the doctor's appointment at 7.40am. This probably means that if they run my stats they'll be low. They are always low in the morning. Both my parents have the day off and so they are going to drive me up there. I gave mum a look an she said they'd wait in the car, even though i said i'd walk back. I think they think i'm going to do a runner. In fact, i was until they volunteered to excort me there. I think i'm just going to tell the doctor that i'm not sure what to say as i am here on the recommendation of other people. I will give counselling or whatever a shot, can i go now...?

As long as she doesn't ask questions like 'When was your last period?' which gives away way too much on my part___(5.5 months), or 'How often, on average, do you purge?'____(about 4 times a day at the moment, but i purge virtually everything i eat). Oh - and the dreaded weight test, NO WEIGHING PLEEEASE! Damn, i'm squirming already!

Please send me a whole lotta love because i'm actually scared / angry / unsure,

XxPoppyxX

Life in the Bell Jar

I'm back, but i seem to be fighting an eternal battle with 9st! Whatever i have done, i have not managed to crack under 125lbs since that last time! I suppose there is only so far i can blame it on a slow gut, or lack of fluid loss or an inaccurate scale. The truth is my bulimia has stretched beyond any sort of control and i am binging and vomitting all the time now. In fact, whenever i eat i purge. I excuse the fact that i eat because i reason that i purge afterwards, but we all know some portion of it is retained.

To conclude: weight is the same because my control is as firm as a wet fish!

This would all be manageable if i had weeks of solace and space to get this control back. However, my family has taken their plan of attack to new grounds. My mum has had another chat with me and unfortunately none of what i have been doing, including frquency, has passed by her. Both her and my stepdad are going to effectively frogmarch me down to the doctors friday morning. I just keep thinking, 'But i'm not thin enough yet!'. Even when my mum was having a heart to heart with me, my main argument back was so rubbish. I think i was out of angles, i just kept saying 'But i'm NOT UNDERWEIGHT!'.

We will see what happens, but they can't section me until i'm underweight so i'm safe from anything like that. I don't even know what i'm going to say to the doctor, given that i don't want to be there in the first place...

I am going to persist in getting under 9st. If i can just get to 8st then maybe i will consider maintaining. I can't even do exercise much now because mum has told people and they have stopped exercising with me.

NEWS!! - Just to let you know that the mymirrorimage site will only be active until the 3rd September then it will stop. It just hasn't attracted much attention and i want to dedicate my attentions to this blog. I am even thinking of re-vamping it! What do you think?

It's been a while since the last blog, so how are you all doing? Still struggling? Anyone done particularly well or badly on weight loss? Can anyone relate with family/doctor issues? Tips?


(The title reference to 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath, who killed herself aged 30, after years of depression. Fantastic book on depression with indications of Bulimia in her main character. Excellent book!)

Give me strength,

Poppy xox

No matter how many times i write it next to my name, THIN spells FAT

S is for suicide in my own flesh

C is for carving my own bone dress

A is for anger bottled up inside

R is for reason which leaves with the tide

E is for eating and flushing it down

D is for dreading the part where i drown.

Don't worry - i'm not suicidal. I've been there before, and i'm miles away from being that bad. I'm just going with the poetical flow. Bit melodramatic, i know, but i can't be long today. The facts are as follows:

- Putting on lbs blows

- I have put on lbs

- I will put on at least another lb tomorrow (because of a meal)

- This is unavoidable unless i purge

- Purging will be difficult

- Ergo i'm freaking out and want to hide in a hole.

I will report back from the safety of my bunker when the weight has left again. I will strive to do everything i can in my power to get it off asap, but i will not feel right again until i am back to 8st 12 (124lbs). This may mean a few days, however i could dip in and out depending on my mood. It's just a heads up that things might be a bit fucked up for me in the next few days. :(

Love, hugs and lightness,

Poppy xox

Oblivion is sometimes a pleasant thing

How do i start?

You know when a day starts well and you think everything will go ok. I forget how much sway my habits have on my emotions.

I woke up at 9.30am today and weighed myself. I had maintained, so i was still under 9st. Good, but time to b/p. I went straight onto the binging / purging, and i was at it for 7 hours straight, bar going to the supermarket once to restock.

Suddenly, after i had done my last purge and swept everything away like it never happened, i slumped. I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted and my emotions are zinging around my body like fireflies. Completely out of control and upsetting. I feel really sad and angry at the same time. My body feels limp all over and i feel slightly dizzy.

I developed a bad headache, so decided not to go to my spin session. This really got my mum angry, but in turn that made me angry. She harps on about not doing exercise if i'm not eating properly, and the one time i act sensible and decide not to go because i feel rubbish, she gets angry at me! I can't talk about it, it gets me mad.

I have a thumper of a head right now and have just taken some syndol (first time in a while) which should get rid of it and get me to sleep. I try not to take syndol a lot recently because my heart rate is already quite slow, so i don't want to slow it much further otherwise it could get dangerous.

Lies spread like wildfire when you have an ED, and i think i've just kicked it up a notch today. I have been placating my mother for weeks about booking an appointment to see a doctor. I have never meant to do anything about it. In a further step, i have booked an appointment 2 weeks in advance of today which i do not intend to turn up to. I'll later say i forgot, book another and pretend i turned up to that one. All in all, i intend to string out these fake visits for almost 2 months at which point it won't matter if they know because i'll almost be at my goal weight.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Constantly, 9.30am-4.30pm

Exercise - walk into town, 50 sit ups. Feeling shit, so haven't done much.

Weight: 125lbs

Pulse (BPM): 46bpm

I feel like crying right now so i'm going to go and try and drop off to sleep before anyone comes home. They will probably get angry and shout at me for not eating with them either. I am already pushing it today and i sooo want to go down another lb tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice and support Bonnie. That's rubbish about the weight, but i guess it was a shift in water weight. It is so frustrating when that happens. I tend to find if you change your cal intakes, and only b/p some days, that is the best method. Although b/p usually only loses water weight. I guess you never lose the weight fast enough - it is never quick enough for us!

I will wait for a few more responses in regards to mirrorimage and see.

Back tomorrow for much of the same probably,

Poppy xox