Pain is just another form of expression, hunger is a means to achieve it.

Boo! Back again for another day, and i must be blessed with beginner's luck (erm...apart from the fact im not 'beginning' this, perhaps its luck through persistance!)


Anyhoo, today has turned out well! I did have a sinking feeling last night that my desperate scrambling for some foothold in my regime would be fruitless and i would sink into binging again, but alas ive found stable footing! ...and it appears good so far!

The only downer to last night was that, as usual, it overlapped into today and i didnt drop off to sleep until 6.00am! That left me only an hours sleep before i had to pull myself back up again and to work! It was tough, and i wished i hadnt run out of caffiene pills that usually help me on my way. Surprisingly, i arrived at work on time and not too tired.

It was a long day and the last few hours dragged. Luckily, the taster was easy to avoid as it wasn't vegetarian-friendly! Lunch was a chance for me to catch some air and dip into my book! Ive been getting so easily distracted by my books that i found it easier than i thought to ignore my stomach, and get lost in my own world.

As predicted, a lift was waiting for me outside the shop and i was home by 6.30pm. As soon as i was in my room, i felt the edges of sleepiness creep onto me. It wasnt too long until dinner then, and i knew that if i didnt eat something now then when it came to later i would binge. I sufficed with a soup.

For the rest of the evening, ive been trying to keep myself awake a little longer, and saturating myself in the mutifaceted tones of linkin park! true gods!

Im about to drop off in about 5 seconds, which gives me enough tome to say adios and a bientot!

...oh! and this! -

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 carton soup 163kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2xpepsi max bottles 4kcal
1xpepsi max can 1kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 168KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 min brisk walk to work 100kcals

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURNED 100kcals

Byeeee!

Poppy xXx

A simple day keeps trouble away... but it makes things awfully dull!

Heya all!
We im back blogging as scheduled and what better way to start than a good day!

Im afraid today wont be a long blog, given the fact that today was my day off today. what did i do with it? sleep, sleep and oh, a bit more sleep! Extremely lazy maybe, but tomorrow im working so i can make up for all that sleeping! lol.

Basically, in a nutshell, my sleep cycle is so off that it could smell like blue cheese! I woke up at 3.30pm (i know!) and it wasnt until 4pm that i was dressed and decent enough to be called 'concious'. After this i spent an hour on my computer, and told myself that as soon as it got to 5pm i would begin the ironing. But...*dramatic music* my mum decided today was the day to come home an hour early.

I tried to tell her that i was about to get on it but she just said 'i dont want to know. go away'. So i went up to my room and have been here ever since, bar needing the loo. The benefits of these more frequent little arguments is that i dont have to come down to tea. I feel guilty at the little drop of pleasure that i feel when things do break into a spat and i think to myself 'yes! no tea tonight!'.

So today has been rather simple in one way, and rather dull in another! The rest of this week will probably be just as bad, but wait until i go to Bath on Sunday and things should be a bit more interesting then, as im hoping to fast for the days im there.

Here's the low down:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2xpepsi max 2kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 2KCAL

EXERCISE: N/A

Hope you're all doing well. Its so nice to speak to you all again, i've missed it!

Until tomorrow...

Poppy xoxo

I'm back with a vengeance, and a lot of apologising!

There isn’t a good way to start this so I’m just going to jump right in. To say sorry to everyone who has been sending me wonderfully comforting messages doesn’t seem enough. I cannot give you an adequate reason for my absence for so long, but I can tell you I'm back again.


It’s been a rough few weeks and my eating has been running proverbial loops around me. My self-harming reflects the madness of my eating habits, and so, suffices to say, my body is looking a bit like a giant carved ham at the moment.

As the time went on, it has become harder and harder to contemplate answering back. My weight, although I have not gained, remains roughly the same minus 2lbs. This disappointment and shame, along with the Twilight series, has kept me away from my computer for long enough.

I hope you can forgive me for not giving you much of an explanation, especially after all the supportive comments and emails I?ve got. I can say that after the wedding my family were getting close to guessing, and it was painful for me to have to reel my habits in a bit, until they looked away again. Past that I have no excuse....apart from Twilight (like I just said).

What I can tell you is that is that I didn?t end up back in hospital and, as you can tell, I'm not dead. I am back again, and intend to be here for the long run. I will re-start my blogs up this Monday 17th November.

Again, thanks to all of you. Over the weekend I promise to reply to any emails that have been sent.

Speak soon and much love,

Poppy xoxo

Hello! Long time no speak!

Heya.
I know its been ages since ive written a blog. It was a busy few days with the wedding. I would have written...but then i weighed myself. This week i have put weight on due to my appauling eating on saturday and sunday. I mean, it wasnt like i gorged, but things just got out of control.

I am feeling so ashamed of myself and desperate. Ive spent the last 2 days trying to make up for it. Today ive had nothing to eat, tomorrow im planning to try and limit my intake to a low amount as well. The fasting had to be scrapped due to inviatations to tea round peoples houses - i mean, i apprieciate that people care when my mum and stepdad are away, but i really didnt need that that weekend!

Sunday was just so strange a day for me, due to the fact that it was the day after the wedding. That was the worst day for me. But i must lose the excess weight ive gained by next week. This month really isnt going to be much progression on the weight front, just alot of ups and downs i think.

Im afraid this is only a quick hello, but i'll write a much longer blog tomorrow. Im really tired and have things to do. I REALLY hope you are all good, and thanks for the really lovely comments about the wedding - yes, i did enjoy it alot. Everyone (and i mean that!) said i looked really good and had lost alot of weight! Whohoo!

I will write again soon,

Poppy xx

Absent from the blog, but still with you all in support and spirit! love poppy xx

Heya.

Im sorry to report that, not only will i not be writing a blog for today, but i wont be writing one for tomorrow as well.
This is due to the fact that its friday night and its my mums wedding tomorrow! Im knackered from lack of sleep and need to be alert tomorrow! Im staying in the hotel on saturday night and cant take my laptop hence the no blog!

So the next i will write is Sunday...if im not swamped by relatives still!

But i will tell you that today was unexpectedly good -

CALORIES CONSUMED FOOD - 0KCALS

CALORIES BURNT EXERCISE - 1000KCAL (min)

Speak soon - wish me luck!

x Poppy x

Imagine me angry at myself then quadruple it! God i'm so mad at me!

Gah! I'm so mad at myself...again! This week seems to have turned into another of those weeks where i have one good day followed by a bad day, and each day weighs out the other.


As you have probably realised, this blog is very late in the day for me. In the UK at the moment it is 6.30am. I have stayed up all night distracting myself, so that there would be no chance of me missing the double exercise classes this morning. Usually i sleep in, and am in such a drowsy state, that any cal concious part of me isnt awake enough to protest against my lack of drive to get up to go to the class! I have taken some caffiene pills to stay awake and just have to make it through the next few hours.

I was going to go running at 5am as well, but i didnt realise how dark its got now its turning winter. Also some of our area is a little dodgy to be running around when its dark! So im hoping, after the spin and body conditioning class, i will tell mum that i will do 30 mins on the treadmill then walk home. Then instead of walking i will run and, if i felt brave enough, could do a circuit or two round the houses. But lets not get ahead of ourselves - one class at a time...

So, i really ought to back track to the days events to explain why its entirely necessary for me to stay up and do all this exercise. Well, apart from being fat and needing to get it of, food wise has been catastrophic today. But not in the same way it was on Tuesday..not quite anyway.

When i got up, it was already getting into the afternoon. My mum and stepdad had gone out to meet someone for lunch so i had the house to myself for a very short time. I decided i would start the day off on a good foot and weigh myself, given that i usually drop 1/2 a pound between the evening and the next morning. I needed the incentive especially given the fact that my stomach was aching badly.

I couldnt believe it! NO! I hadnt swayed at all from what i weighed myself on tuesday! i was mortified given how hard i tried on wednesday! In a flurry of disappointment and stomach pangs, i went to the freezer and ate my way through all the magnums. The worst bit was i didnt purge it all. I started then sat there in a heap of misery at my swift defeat - the day now looked so much crappier!

As it got to 1pm, my sister returned early from college as she had a shorter day. My grandma, who drove her back, came in for a while and chatted. Whilst my sister was making pasta for a late lunch, she said 'do you want some?'. i said no, then she got stressy with me and started saying 'you've got to have lunch!' and she'd huff (You'd understand how crappy and rubbish she makes u feel if you heard her). Then my grandma said 'yes jo, because we dont want you going to other way now do we' and my sister said 'yeah. you should go see a nutritionist'. I just rolled my eyes and agreed. I swear, though, if anyone says that to me anymore im going to tell them to FUCK OFF! Its my business and im fed up of people keep dictating about it.

When my grandma went, my sister was still going on about the lunch, so i said id have some when we got back (hoping she'd forget). We walked into town and had our appointments we made at the beauticians so that my sister looked beautiful, and i looked relatively presentable for the wedding on saturday! Then we walked home, and when we arrived back my sister was still on my back about lunch - there seemed no possible exit and i didnt want to be discovered yet. I think part of me actually wanted the pasta, like any mia does, and i suppose i had to give in to it.

I had a plate of cheesy pasta and felt so horrible after it. The only good point was that, not only did my sister see it, but my mum and stepdad walked in at that convienient moment. So they cant say im not eating lunch! lol. Afterwards i felt so horrible i wanted to claw it out! I dont rightly know what happened between then and lunch, probably plenty of mulling over of what had happened.

At 6pm, i was so shattered, for some unknown reason (!) that i fell asleep on my bed. At 8pm, i was woken by my stepdad saying it was tea. I woke feeling physically sick and depressed. The last thing i wanted to do was eat. I went downstairs and it was veg lasagne with a roll. I just felt continually ill, and even though i asked for a small portion and didnt eat all of it, i still felt painfully full. I went upstairs but felt so full that when i tried to contact my stomach muscles to purge it hurt too much to control them to get a good purge.

So i just lay there, desperate to do something. And this is where ive been since! Since 9am, when i got into bed, ive been going over and over again my plans to rid myself off the food id eaten - its now 7.30, so thats 10.5 hours so thats alot of thinking! I decided that if i went to sleep it was too risky that i fall asleep and miss the early morning double classes, so it would make more sense to stay up all night so i woudlnt miss them! Im sooooo tired but i must go. Also i cant go to sleep afterwards because otherwise it will throw my sleep cycle out the night before the wedding and i cant sleep in!

I have taken an extra caffiene pill and will take some more later on to keep awake. I think today is going to be a long one!

Also i forgot to tell you my results for my weigh in on tuesday, so here they are:

TOTAL LBS GAINED/LOST:

6LBS LOST

Now, i better go because im gonna have to go to my classes in a mo. Saturday is going to be a pain as well, but if i do enough dancing i can burn the worst of it off. Then sunday to tuesday i will try to eat as little as possible. cross fingers and toes for me please!

Speak soon - hope your all doing better than i am!

Poppy xxx

DISCOVERED! Well...almost. It's becoming too close like a pair of tight trousers!

Boo!
Hey - I'm back. I'm sorry i didnt write my blog yesterday, or leave any message that i wouldnt. I was having a bit of a crisis in my head, which i will explain.

You see, yesterday seemed to go pear-shaped (or more like blob-shaped) quite early on. I got into work and within a few hours i had picked at the food. It was mostly because there was a pudding we had on taster i hadnt tried before and i guess i just buckled. I didnt pig out on the tasters or anything, but i did have a few pieces.

I was just mortified from that point on. At lunch i denied myself my jelly, but that wasnt good enough. I started getting REALLY agitated and began pacing the shop floor when no one was around and bounced on the balls of my feet - anything to burn the cals i had consumed.

I hate the point after you have eaten something you know you shoudnt have, because you feel as though you can see and feel the fat seep across your body and you want to scrub it off. Anyway, i was getting so anxious about it, that i excused myself to the toilet so that i could do squats against the wall for two minutes to burn more. I just felt so desperate and HAD to do something.

I got picked up as normal from work and when i got in i started doing sit ups in my room. It wasnt long though, before my stepdad asked what i wanted for tea. The last thing i wanted to do was eat - all my appetite had gone. But i told him to cook the vegetable bake in the fridge, mostly because otherwise i'd get moaned at for it going off. It wasnt something i ideally wanted to be eating due to the fact it was one of my higher cal meals and i was feeling shit!

Anyway, i sat and ate it. I think my head and body must have been in turmoil, because part of me was triggered when i had the cake samples and thought it was time to binge. Another part (the part that was predominant at the time) was in shock at what i had done and wanting to scold every inch of myself. The reason i say this is because, despite feeling so bad, i still had an ice cream as well.

Of course, i went straight up to my room and purged the ice cream back up. I think i must've been switching between comfort eating and punishing in that moment. I was so tired i fell to sleep at 8.30pm! I woke up again at 11.30pm and without even thinking, went downstairs and grabbed a few ice creams and b/p ed them all. I tried to push the thoughts to the back of my mind as i finally fell back off to sleep at 5am!

So, thats why i didnt write my blog to you yesterday - TIRED + ANXIOUS = NO BLOG! I just couldnt face coming on here and saying it, i was still so desperate to shave off the calories it had added to me. Luckily, i dont seem to have gained from yesterday, but unluckily, i dont seem to have lost from today's good day!

Onto Today - 15th October

Well, i sort of drifted in and out of sleep today. I only got up to listen to an answerphone message which was from work saying could i ring back. I sat on my bed for 15 minutes debating what to do - i was dreading them saying could i work today or tomorrow. After a while, i knew i wouldnt be able to go back to sleep until i had phoned. I did and they only wanted to let me know one of the freezers had broken down, and did i want the roasted veg lasagnes! Fair enough! Not as bad as i thought, although the lasagnes would prove a different, and altogether more challenging, prospect.

I fell back to sleep, drifting in and out, and didnt then properly get up until 1.30pm! After pottering around home for a little while, i decided that it would be good exercise and a good opportunity to burn cals if i walked to the shop and back (which would amount to an hours brisk walk). The main reason for me going was that i had eaten the last ice creams so i needed to replace them. It was just my luck, that neither of the supermarkets in town had any of the specific type, so i tried to make up by buying 3 different types of ice cream for my family.

I never stopped walking and, after buying the ice creams, walked to the other side of town to collect the lasagnes. I hate waste, that was why i said i'd have them, but now i was worrying about the fact that meant id have to eat it - because its not the most low in cal of food, plus its got carbs and cheese in it. I chatted to the girls working for about half an hour then marched back out of town.

When i got home, i had enough time to put all the stuff away and get changed for aerobics before mum came in the door. She got changed and we quickly rushed off to the class. It was a strange one, not because of the class itself (because that was really good) but what my mum was saying.

Firstly, she looked at me and said 'you look really good. you need to stop losing weight now though, i think you're at a good weight now'. BOLLOCKS! IM FAT! I mean, im still a size 14 and heavy. I could lose another 2 stone (28lbs) and still be in the normal catagory. There is NO WAY i am going to stop now - im NO WAY NEAR HAPPY WITH MY WEIGHT at the moment! We still have a long way to go. Next, she said about the nutritionit again. Not just any nutritionist, but a friends one. Now this would be a perfectly fine suggestion, if i didnt know that that particular nutritionist deals with eating disorder cases. I just went along with it, but made a mental note that it was another thing i wasnt going to do.

Finally, when we were doing our weights, i saw a perfect time to slip in that i had eaten alot of the ice creams the night before. She tutted a bit and asked if i had thrown them up. I looked at her and tried to say as earnestly as possible that i hadnt. I dont know if she believed me then. After the class, we came back home and i decided to give one of the lasagnes to our friends who live a little way up the road from us (about 5-7 minutes). Despite an offer of a lift, i thought it even better to walk, and continue to burn the cals.

When i did get back, i had a bath (at which time another event was taking place that i will discover a few hours later). I came downstairs and heated up a soup. I was quite proud that it was the only thing i'd had, but it was because i was still punishing myself and making up for yesterday. It was only when i'd finished my soup that mum and colin both said that they needed to talk to me after the wedding about my welfare. That REALLY freaked me out! How much had they figured out??!!

I went upstairs, still really from this cryptic message. It wasnt until i went to my bin that i found the clue. It appears that my mum had come into my room to dispose of some rubbish, and opened my bin to discover sme yet-to-be-tipped sick from the night before's purging. SHIT! I was in turmoil about to what to do. On the one hand, i was angry that she came in my room, but mostly i was just worried. For the rest of the evening i couldnt focus and evetually i got mum alone to ask her if we could talk for a few mins.

I had come up with the appropriate excuses for the reason it was there- and no it wasnt 'the cat did it'! I decided if i owned up to it, she might believe it was a one off and move on. I told her that i didnt do it all the time, it was just that once in a blue moon i felt i had too because i felt bad or had eaten too much. I also said the reason i didnt tell her was because i didnt want her to overeact and think it was as bad as it had been. She asked me if i was throwing up my dinner, to which i said no, because i hardly ever do.

BTW. TO THOSE WHO DONT KNOW, MY MUM DOES KNOW ABOUT MY MIA BECAUSE OF THE FACT I HAD TO GO INTO HOSPITAL IN JANUARY. HENCE THE FACT I NOW USE IT AS A BIG FAT EXCUSE FOR ALOT OF THE THINGS I DO, I JUST SAY IM 'GETTING BETTER SLOWLY' AND I GET OFF OF MOST THINGS.

So, it went ok. Although im still not convinced she completely took it all. Im gonna have to pay attention to make sure that everything i do is well concealed because i seriously dont want any more clues otherwise then there will be trouble!

So, here's my cal intake for today:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 tomato soup 155kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2x pepsi max 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 157KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour hard aerobics 600kcal

walking various, at least 1 hour, brisk 200kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 800KCAL

So, not a bad day but this is all getting too close for my liking and i have no ideas on how to throw them off the scent. Even worse, the next two days my mum and stepdad have taken off so its going to be a struggle to weave my way amoungst their plans and finding a way to hide my eating pattern. Cross fingers - especially since saturday is going to be a nightmare!

BTW to Ty: Thanks for the quote! Shakespeare is so beautiful! I dont know that ive heard that one before, i'll be sure to save it somewhere for the future. Hope you're ok? xx

Be back tomorrow,

OoOoO x - PoPpY - x OoOoO